One Day at a Time

I went to my first cancer support group recently.

It was so needed-I have a lot of folks who love me, but who have NO IDEA what I’m grappling with right now. Including loved ones who have survived cancer, and never got to Stage Four, where I am.

*note: it’s hard. I’ve been a group facilitator hundreds of times. I’ve been the professional holding space for the vulnerable folks. With the exception of an (online) grief support group after losing my father, I’ve never been one of the participants.

One of the members, a long journey, has a family, still working, also stage four, leaned in and looked at me after I shared and said:
“one day at a time. Just take one day at a time.”

When he said it, I felt something let go inside of me. It was such a relief. I cried at his words, and he offered a warm “yeah, I get it, I know” smile back.

And it’s been helpful to have that touchstone, especially in recent days. I started chemo today-or rather tried to. I had a very strong reaction (Highly Sensitive, indeed) and had to stop. Trying again tomorrow, with some tweaks.

Something occurred to me, also recently, since receiving that talisman from the person in the group. It’s this: we trauma survivors essentially CAN’T just take one day at a time.

That’s too vulnerable.

We need plans. And when your trauma is at 4, when it goes undetected and unprocessed for all of your childhood development, you gotta improvise. You tackled it automatically, with a kid’s container. Something like:

“I MUST THINK OF EVERY BAD THING AND LOOK FOR IT ALL THE TIME. THAT IS THE ONLY WAY TO FEEL SAFE. I’M ALONE IN HERE.”

I have spent a good deal of my adult life in trauma healing and recovery, going back to that tiny girl and helping her re-process. Helping her know she is NOT alone. It hasn’t been easy. And I’m not admonishing myself for my hypervigilance-hell, it saved my life, and the brain gonna do what the brain gonna do. I honor it.

And at the same time, I push at its tender edges now. Because one of the big things that I was always vigilant for IS FCKING HERE. No need to worry when it’s happening, right?

(wrong! I mean, now there is a whole host of NEW stuff to fear, and it’s harder to talk myself down than it was before.)

Okay, I’m rambling. It was a challenging day. I just wanted to say, you CAN keep reminding yourself to take one day at a time-it really is a relief. It’s the point of Eastern teachings and meditation!
AND
If you can’t always do that, that is okay too. It’s okay to remind yourself WHY it’s so hard to do that. And offer the little you some compassion.