- By ebwexler
(written on May 11, 2018
Badly needed, today)
the last week has been a bit of an emotional storm for me….things pushing into corners that I haven’t looked in for a long time (if ever) and things that bring up new feelings. Complicated feelings, those you can’t describe with a word, or a sentence, or a paragraph. (that’s hard for a writer, btw. We use words to process our own shit, not just communicate out.)
I have a blog post knocking around my head and heart about how I spent last Friday trying to honor Amy on what would have been her 50th birthday. With Lisa, whose presence in my life not only echos of my connection with Amy, but shows me every day how Amy’s death has opened me up in ways I never could have imagined.
I am grateful for that. I also hate it. I’d give it all back to have her here .
Things at work have been higher and higher pressure, all kinds of changes at my agency. The pressure does not let up, it just intensifies. And although I love what I do, it’s incredibly draining.
And then yesterday morning I woke up to a text from a friend that Baltimore County Executive (and aspiring MD gubernatorial candidate) Kevin Kamenetz had died suddenly. This was a tremendous loss to his county, to the state…he was a long-time dedicated public servant. And he was only 60, which is so young to die of a heart attack.
For me, it hit in a particular way because he was also Amy’s uncle. My heart goes out to the family, many of whom I know very well. And in ways I cannot put words to, I feel parts of my grief for Amy that I can honestly say I’ve not felt before.
Today I had a regular doctor’s appointment, with the GP I’ve been seeing for almost 25 years. I trust him, he is the perfect combination of extremely competent and very kind and accepting. He literally has helped to heal a lot of my “stuff”, just by his presence and support as my doctor. He told me what I’ve been bracing myself for for a while now: he’s retiring.
And then I went to Starbucks, to get breakfast because I have to fast for my bloodwork. I got a venti iced chai and a breakfast sandwich. And then went to the market next door to get some snacks to tide me over for the rest of the day.
And while in the store, trying to balance shit in my hands, my very large iced chai dropped, and spilled. Everywhere. The kids who work there were very kind and cleaned it up and I went and paid for my food and then walked *back* to Starbucks and those kids looked at me kinda funny because I’d just left, and I told them I needed another chai, because I’d dropped mine in the market. They went to make it.
And I got out my wallet.
And they didn’t let me pay for it.
And while that doesn’t make the horrible grief and shock of Kevin dying suddenly, or my grief for Amy, or crazy work stuff, go away (and it won’t make my doctor not retire!)…..it goes a hell of a long way in touching my heart, in putting me *directly* in touch with my gratitude, in me loving those kids at the market with the mop, the ones at Starbucks behind the counter….and reminding me of the kindness of humans. And how even a tiny bit of it can be a balm on the oogeyness of everything else.
There is a Jewish saying: “A little bit of light dispels a lot of darkness”.
Here is wishing you a little bit of light today. Or that you will be someone else’s little bit of light. Or better: both.
[image: a dark image with two pillar candles glowing gentle yellow light in the bottom left corner.
Credit: me]