When I was just starting my last semester of grad school, at the ripe old age of 23, I went to my first therapist.
my reason: I couldn\’t write a cover letter.
I had never had a grown-up job before; I went straight to graduate school (social work) out of college. Part of the reason for that was that my undergrad degree was in psychology, and that and five bucks will get you a nice beverage at Starbucks, at least if you want to work in the field.
And part of the reason, I now realize, looking back, was that I was terrified of leaving the comfort and structure of being a full-time student. Of adulting.
It\’s funny-that therapist? She specialized in what we then called \”solution-focused\” therapy. Short-term. Cognitive behavioral. Not years-long analysis. She had very few long-time clients; I eventually became one of them. I saw her on and off for ten years. My work with her changed the entire trajectory of my life-and I had no inkling that it was but the beginning.
Anyway.
I went to her and said: \”I can\’t write a cover letter.\”
She asked me to explain. (obvs, because what I said did not make sense)
I said: I feel….frozen. Immobilized. I\’ve been trying for months.
(it is worth noting here that it was JANUARY. I would not be available to work until JUNE. I was a fresh-out-of-grad-school 24-year-old. Not a CEO working with a headhunter. It was too early then, let alone months before, for me to be applying for jobs.)
What is stopping you? She asked, kindly, without judgment.
I don\’t know, I replied. my LORD I was so disconnected from myself! I can smile when I think about it now, and maybe cringe a little, too. It\’s taken a lot of work, still takes a lot, but I\’m so much more in touch with my feelings now. Thank GOODDESS.
{This is the time, I think, that I need to place this story in time. It was 1991. Job ads were in the printed newspaper. We regular folks didn\’t yet know what the internet was. I had a 286 computer-my first!-with Word Perfect in DOS. (you may need to google some of that!) That information is an integral part of the story, and I didn\’t want you to be confused.}
Ever practical, she made a suggestion. She called it GRADUALISM. Here is what she said:
\”this week, I want you to look at the ads in the paper when you get it on Sunday.
On Monday, cut out any ads that look interesting. Put them in a folder.
On Tuesday, jot down some ideas for a cover letter for at least one of them.
On Wednesday, write a draft, and save it. Don\’t print it out.
On Thursday, open up the draft, make any revisions, and print it out. Put it in the folder.
On Friday, sign it, grab a resume, and put them in an envelope.
On Saturday, address the envelope, but a stamp on it, and send that mutha.\”
Me: THAT WILL TAKE TOO LONG!
her: How long have you been trying? Months! that\’s less than a week!\\
Huh. She did have a point.
I tried it.
It worked.
It got me un-stuck.
This is a skill that I still use today, when I feel either overwhelmed with a task, or frozen from doing it, or just avoiding it in general. There\’s always a reason, but knowing the reason is often not enough to get you unstuck.
I\’m working on an essay right now. A deeply personal essay. Working on this essay feels a bit like writing cover letters did back then: important, vital, and terrifying.
I have done raw work, hired someone to help me-not just an editor, a coach-and I\’ve had the feedback for a while. And every day, I think about writing this essay. And what it will mean to me to have this story out of me. And what might happen if-IF-I can get it published.
(I feel my heart rate going up as I type this.)
Big finish:
tonight, I printed out the two pieces with the coach\’s feedback in track changes. At first I did it thinking I would hunker down and starting to work with the feedback.
But I felt…..uncomfortable. Scared. Wanting to avoid it. My chest felt a little tight, my breathing a little shallow. My heart started pounding. Something in my gut was yelling NO NOT JUST YET.
My mind immediately went back to that first therapist, the one that changed my life trajectory, and why I (thought I) started going to her. And what she assigned, and how it worked.
And so I just printed the pieces, with the track changes. I\’m pretty goddamn proud of myself.
Next step: tomorrow, read them. Maybe write my own notes on the coach\’s suggestions. AND THEN STOP.
Unless something is on fire, usually slower gets you to your destination faster. And for the love of Pete, listen.
Listen to your heart. To your body. To your inner voice.
Avoidance may get a bad rap. It may be annoying and frustrating. But it\’s also trying to tell you something.
[image is of a sky at sunset, with a crescent moon, and a tree. Photo creds: me]