Recently, I was presenting at a conference. It was a conference of mostly folks who worked with ex-offenders coming from incarceration.the presentation was on vicarious (or secondary) trauma, and its relationship to self-care—and the importance of the latter to offset the former. I had a Power Point, I told some stories from my work, yadda, yadda….and then a woman raised her hand and I said \”yes?\”
\”Sorry if this is too personal, and I guess you don\’t have to answer….but are you in therapy?\”
It stopped me in my tracks for only a nanosecond-in a bit of discomfort, but mostly in the best way possible. I was delighted to hear someone ask that question. I was encouraged to see people, professionals on the front lines of some of the hardest human service work, asking the hard questions. And asking them because they are really looking at their own capacity.
AND I\’ve never been asked that before in front of a group of people in a work setting. In that nanosecond, I had just a tiny whiff of a reflex to keep my personal life, well, personal. That\’s what I did for decades as a clinician-if the client asks personal questions, with a few exceptions, we generally are trained to gently redirect them back to what we are working on with them. I held that boundary in many settings, with so many people, for so long. I was thrown for a second.
But I felt it important to answer her honestly, and so without skipping a beat, I thanked her for her question and then said: \”I have been. And I have accessed a lot of other healing modalities as well. Honestly….I wonder about people who do therapy but have never had their own. I mean….our tool is our SELF. It\’s not a paintbrush or a wrench, so if we don\’t have a handle on ourselves, what have we to offer?\”
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Look, you guys….I have so much focus on self-care because for a long time I was COMPLETELY disconnected from what I needed. Any self-care I did was either incidental, accidental, or just plain necessary because self-neglect made it necessary. I am human, I don\’t smile all day and feel perfectly balanced at work (or anywhere) and go into some kind of pod or flotation tank at night and get 8 perfect hours of sleep. I eat fast food (less than I used to, but still sometimes). I procrastinate, I get road rage, and I avoid things that scare me. A lot.
AND–at the very same time that all of that is true–I\’ve never been more in touch with what I need. More willing and able to give it to myself. Felt not only more deserving of my own care, but committed to caring for myself BEFORE other people. I give myself away a lot less than I used to (spoiler alert: that means a LOT less resentment. I swear.)
AND I know I need a lot more than some people need, because of being Highly Sensitive. Because of being an Empath. Because of the nature of the work that I do. So I\’m always learning, always trying to breathe more, to let myself off the hook more, and to see self-care to be as valid as paying bills, as eating and sleeping, as going to work.
I had forgotten how great it can be to take stock every once in a while.
Man, I\’m glad that woman asked that question.
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do you feel like you need self-care but don\’t know where to start, or just want support? Check out my 1:1 self-care coaching services here.