it has been a good long time since I posted. So long, that I had to look up how to log in. I was aware I wasn\’t posting, but the state of mind/body/spirit I\’ve been in is built to protect us from overwhelm and trauma and burnout, so I wasn\’t completely aware. I\’ve just sort of been treading water. For a long time.
Yeah, it\’s the pandemic. Yeah, it\’s the war in Ukraine. Yeah, it\’s the isolation of working from home (don\’t get me wrong, I\’m grateful and feel safer doing so. But I really miss being in person.) Yeah, it\’s the fact that many people-AND THE CDC-are acting like COVID is over and quite clearly it is not.
Yeah, I have shit going on that I don\’t share publicly.
Oh, and I\’m in some intense trauma therapy–which, don\’t get me wrong, is really productive and healing–that is absolutely triggering, and draining what little energy I have.
(I should say at this point, that I am fundamentally okay. I\’m eating and sleeping (sort of) and working and even occasionally socializing. My laundry is done and the cats are fed and there are groceries in my pantry and in my fridge.)
But beyond that? Anything else feels Herculean. Some days, doing the dishes feels like too much to do. Worse: the dishwasher is clean, and I have to empty it in order to DO the dishes.
And yes, I realize these are first world issues. I have tremendous privilege to have a roof over my head, a meaningful job in my field that I can do from home during a pandemic, and all of my basic needs met. There is very little *outside* of me that impacts me in any kind of dire way.
Internally, it\’s a different story. And I\’m not here for pity, or even sympathy.
I\’m here to say: IF YOU ARE IN TRAUMA RESPONSE MODE, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I\’ll say that again.
If. You. Are. In. Trauma. Response. Mode–you are NOT alone.
What does that look like? It can look different for different people, and different for each of us at different times. I talked about this early in the pandemic, April of 2020, in this post. All of it is still valid-more valid now, after two years, with all of the chaos and conflict globally and especially here in the U.S.
(if you are interested in how to deal with this, to try to manage it, there are some suggestions in that post)
The other night, as I was trying to allow myself to fall asleep (but my mind REFUSED to slow down the least bit), an image came to me: when brake pads are completely worn out. They call it \”metal on metal\” or \”metal to metal\”–when the brakes and the rotors have no padding in between, and it\’s just, well, metal scraping metal.
It\’s not good. There\’s no buffer, nothing to protect the brakes.
That\’s how I have been feeling, for a long time. Metal on metal.
My own PTSD/High Sensitivity/Empath-ness, the pandemic, the behavioral health issues of the clients I serve and the therapists that I support. (this is anecdotal; the demand for mental health services around here has gone up almost 35% AND STAYED THERE since March 2020. Continues to be that high. Because whether people associate it directly with the pandemic or not, this level of chronic stress takes a TOLL, folks.)
The geopolitical situation, one we have not seen since WWII.
My own shit that I don\’t share on here.
It\’s so much.
So if you are feeling drained, tired, listless, irritable (just to name a few), it could very well be due to the long-term stressors we are ALL dealing with, along with whatever burden you carry.
If you feel like brakes without the pads, metal scraping on metal, I repeat:
You are not alone.
And there are many things to be done about it.
Please share this, please comment and let me know: how are YOU doing? How is YOUR bandwidth? And what do you need, what are you able to do to manage it? What is weighing you down? What is keeping you going?
(on that note-stay tuned for some virtual offerings for yoga, mindfulness, self-care, writing, and perhaps a combination of some of those.)
Image: trees in the woods with sun shining on part of them [credit: me]
[because I was unable to upload any of the photos that applied to this post]