I laid on the table today, face down, while he worked out my fascia (which he called \”all twisted up\”–oh, is THAT why my back hurts??).
It was just us in his office. He had to let his administrative person go, because the business is suffering in COVID-19. He took my temperature himself when I arrived.
He spoke occasionally while he was working on me. He asked questions sometimes, which was funny, because I was face down in a pillow of sorts, that was hard-foam molded with a hole in it-I guess to serve the same function as a face cradle on a massage table.
And of course, I had a mask on.
So replying to him was not unlike trying to reply to my dentist\’s questions when he has a drill in my mouth.
I wasn\’t expecting to go to PT now, I wasn\’t even looking for it. But my back has been HOWLING for these last months, despite all the yoga and physical exercise I do. It is definitely stress.
There was an exchange on an local online forum, and he offered up his services to several people asking for back pain relief. That\’s how I ended up in his office. My insurance covers his services.
I wish everything I needed appeared that easily.
At the first visit I brought the book The Highly Sensitive Person, with the page from the back printed out: \”If You Are a Health Care Provider of a Highly Sensitive Person\”. I give this to every new health care provider or healer I see, including massage therapists, reiki masters. The GI surgeon that did my colonoscopy. My new dentist. I have to advocate for myself, and educate my providers on what I need. This took me a long time to be able to do. Some providers are assholes about it. Most are grateful to know, so they know how to avoid triggers, how to evaluate me from MY baseline. One of the items is: Highly Sensitive People may have a lower threshold to pain. This is not attention seeking. It\’s a more attuned nervous system.
(paraphrasing, because too lazy (relaxed?) to get up and get the book.)
Today, while he was working on my back, he told me that he took the self test while I was on the e-stim last time. \”I\’m right on the cusp\” he said, and chuckled. I said, into my mask, smooshed up by the face-pillow thingie: \”I really found it to be a game-changer. It\’s a trait, that I\’d been trying to rid myself of my whole life. Now I just work with it instead of trying to fix it.
It may be worth checking out.\”
\”Huh,\” he said. \”thank you.\” His voice is very quiet, gentle.
We heal each other, sometimes, don\’t we? Maybe more often than we realize.
He wants me to come three times a week. I told him this might be a challenge, that there is kind of a sweet spot of healing/muscle release/body shift that is effective, but beyond that it can activate my trauma defenses.
He nodded. \”we\’ll keep an eye on that,\” he replied, reassuringly.
I mean…. it makes sense, right?
But it\’s only been REALLY recently that I\’ve been able to say that unapologetically. To say it without shame. And to have it received that way, to find someone who is a trauma-sensitive provider, is such a gift. He may not relate. He may not understand. But he *accepts* it. That is like gold. We can collaborate. I don\’t have to fight him, or his pre-conceived notions about how I should be responding to treatment. He just believes me, and my experience. He accepts it. THAT is truama-sensitive.
That is also my purpose for going public. It\’s not to get pity, or attention. (honestly, most of the time I\’d love to forget about my PTSD. If only.)
It\’s because I live with it, have treated it, and train about it, and I want to use all of those experiences to contribute to a more trauma-informed, trauma-sensitive society. And not because I\’m selfless. One of my favorite quotes is Gandhi: \”Be the change you want to see in the world.\”
I want to see our society become more trauma-sensitive. I want to live in a society where *I* feel more seen, more comfortable, more accepted. Where I don\’t feel like I have to hide.
More on this soon. I\’ve had \”blog about trauma-informed society\” on my list for a while, but then I just lived a moment of it today.
I love when that happens.
[image is of a woman laying face down on a table with a PT\’s hands pressing into her back]