so many pieces that had been well in place
have been broken, of late
they are all floating around
the feeling of not knowing
or rather
the awareness of it
blankness
open space
no ground
is hard for anyone
right?
for me it feels life-threatening
thought the adult knows
all will be okay….
the four-year-old
does NOT
the trauma that lay hidden for so long
comes rushing to the surface
and the 4yo (as she did back then)
tries to shut it all down
take it out of my awareness
to protect me.
The pieces are all rattling around
the broken ones from right now
and the deeply hidden, broken ones from back then
my mind, my heart, my body cannot tell the difference
they only know: this is the \”freeze\” threshold
this is when we freeze
But
the adult me has shit to do.
doesn\’t freeze anymore
Child, please
what results is a battle
between the 4yo and me
mood swings
fatigue
pain in the body
they are all their own triggers.
It is a funhouse mirror of triggers
the light bounces off of them and back to each other
it feels as if they are endless
I can\’t tell which is me
and which is a reflection
or a reflection of a reflection
sometimes it feels as if
I will never take a full breath again.
I can only rest in the trust
that I always have
before.
[image: mirrors all facing each other, reflecting off each other; it\’s impossible to tell where one room starts and ends]