Yes, all that weird stuff you are feeling *could* be from the pandemic

A global pandemic is a trauma, on every level. Collective.  Family.  Community. Nation.

Individual.

It’s an unprecedented event, in our lifetime. And you may be having unprecedented feelings, moods, reactions, even physical sensations. You may feel:
*anxious
*depressed
*agitated
*listeless
*unmotivated
*vigilant
*tired
*achy
*unable to sleep
*irritable
*guilty if you feel okay
*scared if you feel okay

These are all normal, for the current very ABNORMAL situation we are living.

Some of these things may be things you’ve never experienced before. Some of them may be things you have, even things you thought you’d never experience again.

A friend said to me recently that she doesn’t know how she is going to deal with her anxiety when things open back up again.  I said: “I have lived with some level of that my whole life.”
She replied: “so what is your advice for me?”

I am gonna talk about how it feels to be in chronic trauma response, and some of the ways I cope with it.

A reminder: I’m a licensed mental health professional, have worked in trauma-informed care environments (Google or email me if you are interested in what that is, happy to explain), I have treated hundreds of clients with PTSD, and I’m a certified Trauma-Informed Care trainer. So I’ve seen this, experienced it, from a lot of different angles. Studied it, taught it, held it with others as they healed.

But right now I want to talk about my own experience, as someone who has lived with Complex PTSD nearly my entire life.  As someone who did not KNOW I had PTSD for decades, as someone who has been working on my trauma recovery for decades.

Trauma response 101 (fight/flight/freeze):
We developed the this response as part of our evolution many moons ago.  Back when every time it was engaged was a true life-or-death scenario: you came upon a large, predatory animal. You either had to fight it (and win), flee (successfully), or freeze (play dead and hope they lost interest), in order to survive. Literally, not to die.
So the part of the brain that governs this response, the amygdala, this tiny little piece tucked away in the very middle, only to be used in emergencies, gets activated and this is what happens in the body:
*increased heart rate
*increased blood pressure
*increased body temperature
*decreased appetite (sometimes, emptying of the GI system)
*tunnel vision-only able to focus on the threat
*muscle tone increases
*auditory exclusion-same, but with hearing
*blood sugar goes up
(not an exclusive list)

This is what gives us the STRENGTH and PRECISION to fight, flee, or freeze.  We tune everything else out, the pre-frontal cortex of the brain goes offline.  That’s the part that governs reason and problem-solving, rational thought and impulse control.

You know how when you ALMOST get into a car accident, you swerve and miss the other car by inches, or you hit the breaks and spin but barely miss going off the road….when you are okay, and you know you are okay, you feel your heart pounding? Your breath might get shallower, you may be sweating. That is the adrenaline dump from your fight-flight-freeze response that SAVED you from getting in that accident. You weren’t like, “huh, there is a car coming into my lane, I wonder if I should move?” you just SWERVED THE F*CK OUT OF THE WAY. No thinking.  Amygdala activated. Pre-frontal cortex, offline.

This is for another post, but that’s what trauma trigger is. It’s the amygdala getting activated. That’s why the brain doesn’t know the difference between a trigger and the actual threat.

For me, living with CPTSD is like having a low-grade version of that response happening ALL THE TIME.

So, if you have fight-flight-freeze going on regularly, the brain science tells us that those things I listed, up there? One or more of them can be happening on the regular, if not all the time.  The idea of having this life-saving mechanism is that it should only be used when needed, and then the chemicals the brain releases (like adrenaline, and cortisol) should be discharged from the body, to return the body to its non-trauma state.

Our brains, right now, are cleverly on the lookout for danger.  And with good reason. That will vary greatly from person to person. It depends on your history, your mental state before COVID-19 and shut-down, and of course, how affected you are by this pandemic.  How close it may or may not hit home to you, how easy or difficult it may be for you to make yourself feel as safe as you want to feel.  There is a lot of privilege involved in being able to shelter-in-place, to be able to maintain your job and feel safe from infection, to get groceries and other things delivered, to socially and physically distance. It is crucial to say this: a lot of folks cannot do that, and they are prone to a much bigger trauma response than those that can.

In my last post I talked about the partial-shut-down-mechanism my brain created in order for me to be able to fly on a plane without being in a panic attack the entire time.  It’s very possible that if you are experiencing feelings, moods, or physical symptoms you have not had before, it’s because your brain is doing something similar.  It may be partly shutting down so that you don’t fully feel the fear or panic or anger or whatever else may come up for you right now.  And that partial shut-down can feel confusing, because some things feel like you, and others….well, just don’t.   Or, they may feel like you used to feel, but have not in a long time.  There may be things in people’s history that had faded away but are being triggered by this pandemic.  That partial shut-down is often what is behind the listlessness, the inability to focus or get motivated, the agitation.

That is all normal.

What can we do about it?
Again, I’m just sharing my own experience of living in this state for most of my life, and what works for me.  So, as my acupuncturist used to say: take what works, and leave the rest. Note: a lot of these will sound like they contradict each other; they don’t. Different tools for different moments, that’s all.

*Give yourself, and your loved ones, a LOT of grace.  Go easy, be gentle.  Yelled at your partner, or kids? Didn’t follow along in a Zoom meeting for work? Dropped your phone in the sink? (I did that last week, luckily the rice trick worked.) More clumsy than usual, or forgetful? Easier to cry, or feel like you can’t get enough sleep?
Let it be okay.  And if you can’t let it be okay…..see if you can let THAT be okay.

*try to move your body.  There is science to this as well: physical exercise actually discharges those stress-response chemicals from the body. This one can be tricky—I actually have a lot of trouble exercising when I’m triggered; it’s too much being-in-my-body for me.  I have found ways around that: walking and hiking don’t feel like exercise, and neither does dancing, which I love to do. 

*try to still your body, and mind.  Yoga, meditation, napping, guided relaxations, even just sitting still for a few minutes.  This has been scientifically proven to slow down stress chemicals being released from the brain. Try breathing deeply, for a count of 5 on the inhale and also on the exhale.  See if you can do that 10 times.  Notice how gradually focusing on and deepening your breath affects your nervous system.  This one can be tricky too, because we often avoid getting quiet, especially when we are scared.  It may amplify emotions or mood states, and that is okay.  It is important to have a safety valve if you do this; some kind of external support if you get overwhelmed.  It may even provide an opportunity for release, like crying, or vocalizing.  Both of those things release trauma from the body.

*get it out of your head.  Talk to someone you feel safe with, share your feelings. If you don’t have someone, or you prefer to keep it private, try journaling or even just talking it out loud (you can record it if that serves you).  I kept my feelings in for so so SO many years, too afraid to tell anyone. It seemed like my survival depended on not showing my fear, or my anger, or my helplessness….and putting the mask of the calm, healing, smiling person was what I had to do, or die. I’m not exaggerating, that is really how it felt to me. Sharing about  my PTSD was actually a trauma trigger for me. There is also a lot of stigma in our society to validate that.  People talk about their physical ailments all the time, but if you want to shut down a social conversation, start talking about your CPTSD or your latest panic attack. (or any mental health issue.)
We owe it to ourselves to give ourselves permission to talk about this.  If it’s not something you feel you can do at this time, see #1: be gentle. Give yourself grace. Take it one baby step at a time. If it feels to scary, there are online forums where you can stay anonymous and talk to other folks about painful or difficult feelings.

One more thing:
If you feel trapped, if you are wondering when we are going to go back to “normal”, if you long for social contact or shopping or going to the gym, if you are grieving what you are missing now or have lost because of this pandemic
AND
you are anxious at the thought of society/the economy “re-starting”

THAT IS ALSO A NORMAL TRAUMA RESPONSE.

In may ways, I’ve lived this experience since I was four years old. There are things I long for, that are super triggering for me. There are things I love to do that drain me and scare the shit out of me.  There are things I want, that, when I get them, cause a deep panic in me.  There are things that  I grieve, that I know I have missed out on, that I cannot imagine actually having or doing.

That is part of living in a chronic trauma response.

Remember that all of this is okay, all of it is normal. Remember that this WILL end, or at the very least it will change and then change again, and you will adapt.  The more grace you can give yourself, the more in touch you can get with what you need, the more you can give yourself permission to have that, the better you can weather this storm.  That does NOT mean you need to be or feel any certain way.  But it is the kindest, most loving, most present thing you can do to *allow* yourself to try.

we are all in this together.
we are not all having the same experience.
we are all deserving of our own love, grace, and care.

p.s. that last one I listed, about sharing your feelings? That is partly what this post is. And I’m terrified to hit post, lest you think I take all of this in stride.

image: drawing of a side view of a woman\’s face, split up vertically into sections (stock)