Engine cut off. let it cool.

A dear friend reached out to me this week, overloaded by several crises. Heartbreaking situations, one piled on top of the other, a heavy load to carry. They would be crises for most folks, and this friend also has a history of early childhood trauma.

I recognize trigger when I see it.

She cried on and off, seemingly randomly, then would get quiet. Then would say: \”I don\’t know what to do. I don\’t know how to process this.\”
Over and over.

I recognize trigger, because I\’ve been there. A lot.

I listened. I did the phone version of nodding-I said \”mm-hmm\” and \”sure\” and \”I hear you\” at points when it felt like it might help the tiniest bit.

And then I shared this story with her.

When I train about trauma, I talk about a lot of things: ACEs, fight-flight-freeze, transient trauma responses that do their thing and then abate, PTSD. I talk about the body-mind connection and how trauma can get entrenched when it\’s not detected, or attended to.

I use the analogy of a car engine overheating.
I ask: \”what happens to a car engine when it overheats?\”
Usually, this is followed by silence, furrowed brows, cocked heads.
(not sure why that is; it\’s a simply question.)
I ask it again.
They look at me as if I\’m really dumb. I can feel them trying to figure out my game.
And then, slowly, multiple people respond: \”It cuts off.\”
\”Yes!\” I say, glad to have them engaged.
\”Why is that?\” I ask next.

There is typically again a moment of silence and blank stares. I feel as if I can almost hear their thoughts: \”Lady, what is the point of this? Do you really not know? Are you dumb? What does this have to do with trauma?\”

After a moment or two, folks will start saying \”Because it has to–?\”
\”why?\” I ask.
At this point they are often visibly frustrated with me.
but at last someone will say: \”Because otherwise it will…explode?\”

BOOM. (pun intended)

I say: \”YES.
The engine cuts off because if it keeps overheating IT WILL MELT. Or explode.
It is the same with the brain, the nervous system, the psyche, when someone experiences trauma. The trauma \”overheats\” the whole system of a person.
So someone may appear not to be traumatized. They may seem to be numb. That is because their \”engine\” has cut off. As a means of survival.\”

If this was a cartoon, you would see light bulbs coming on above most peoples\’ heads. There are visible expressions of recognition. They are engaged now, making the connection between an easily-understood metaphor and the very complex topic I\’m trying to teach them.

I told this story to my friend. She was quiet.
And then I said: \”sweets, the engine is overheated.
It has cut off.
Let it cool.\”
She let out an audible sigh.
\”You can\’t run the car again until it cools down. Same with your head and heart right now. You can\’t process this, figure it out. It will wear off, I promise. Now….you just need to let the engine cool.\”

She was tearful, but these sounded like tears of relief, of release. I felt her there again. I knew she would go in and out–that\’s how trauma trigger works–but I also know how someone recognizing that I\’m in trigger, and naming it for me, helps me not only to let go, but to reconnect to myself.
I hoped that she was experiencing any of that.

\”Write it down,\” I told her. \”Go right now and write down, \’engine overheated. Let it cool.\’\”

She said she would. I said: carry it with you, so you can see if often. Because this is going to keep cycling. We said I love you. I hung up, knowing I cannot take away her pain, her fear, the shock and the dissociation. But also knowing that having someone else there to hold trigger with you is the best balm there is.

Engine cut off.
Let it cool.

[image: a side view of the front of a silver car with billows of smoke coming out of the hood]