yes, it\’s okay
if you\’ve hit your limit
if you have little or no bandwidth
yes
it\’s okay
that is where I am right now.
note: this is not a post for pity
I am not seeking attention
I feel like a wrung-out rag
and I want to say it out loud
for me
and also
for anyone who should find this
who has also hit their limit
I have shit
we all have shit
work shit
relationship shit
family shit
sometimes it\’s manageable
and sometimes it\’s not
and right now
we have pandemic shit
and not little pandemic shit
(obvs the term \”pandemic\” indicates big)
but on top of the virus itself
which is new
and can be deadly
and-sometimes worse-survivable, but with horrible long-lasting health issues
and some HUGE part of this country
including our LEADERS
are botching it.
making it worse.
like it wasn\’t already bad enough.
and election shit
MAN THE ELECTION SHIT
no one is happy right now
everyone is angry and scared
certain that \”the other side\” is absolutely wrong
and out to get them
(there is only one right side of history, tho)
people keep expressing worry about civil war
but I believe we are already in one
no uniforms
no lines in the ground
no muskets
for a long time it was mostly on social media
but now it\’s moved into real life
today 13 men were arrested by the FBI for plotting to kidnap the governor of Michigan.
For protecting the state from COVID.
so on top of the work shit
relationship shit
family shit
now there is what-the-fuck-are-we-living-in shit
(and that\’s us folks with privilege, of many kinds. People without privilege: POC, LGBTQ folks, women, immigrants, etc, etc…. been living this way, well, always.)
I could go on and on
but really what I came to say is this….
I\’m fried.
I am a voracious reader
always have a stack of books
right now I have a big stack two on top, both by friends (signed and all!)
But I haven\’t been able to read since March 13.
I started Untamed, by Glennon Doyle-AND I CANNOT FINISH IT.
Her book Love Warrior was one of my top 5 fave books. like, ever.
Reading is too distracting
my mind needs to be vigilant
and so I can\’t give up the bandwidth to read
I also can\’t sleep well.
no matter what I do-and I do many, if not all, the things: hot bath, yoga, meditation, melatonin, valerian, turn off TV, relaxing music, yoga nidra
when I was diagnosed last year with SEVERE sleep apnea and started CPAP
if felt like a new lease on life
no more napping-intentionally, or unintentionally
so much energy, so much clarity
but now
no sleep
no reading
there was this episode of Girls (HBO) where Marnie is with this avant-garde artist and he puts her in…I don\’t know what it was. a fort? a fabricated closet? whatever the case, there is music and and old, large tube TV playing really disturbing images and it\’s a very small space and she freaks because she can\’t get out.
that\’s how I feel right now
with the election
and the daily-hourly-minute-by-minute craziness cranking up and up
my Highly Sensitive
Empath
PTSD-having self
is completely overcome by this energy
I know how to take care of myself
I know this will end-or at least change
I have hope (and I\’m working my ass off-campaigning is good for anxiety. the antidote to hopelessness is ACTION)
but
I\’m so not me right now
I can\’t be
it\’s like trying to do ballet while being firehosed
it\’s like trying to do calligraphy on a very turbulent airplane
So I\’ll be here
doing ALL THE SELF CARE
but I\’m so not me right now
I don\’t know when I will be again
And if any of this is true for you
if one word resonated or speaks to you
YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.
I see you.
this will get better
but how, or when?
we don\’t know
and yes
IT\’S OKAY.
okay to feel drained, scared, angry, to sleep too much, not enough, to eat too much or not enough, to shut down
it\’s okay to hope and laugh and love and write postcards and phonebank and celebrate and feel gratitude
it\’s all okay.
[image: stock black and white photo of a figure that appears as if it is made of metal, with square chips of itself flying off]